It's only a short step to hey nonny, nonny, and then I shall have to call the police

Cue gentle twangy renaissancy music. Soft female voice, probably Emma Thompson, reads:

"Sigh no more, ladies, sigh nor more;
Men were deceivers ever;
One foot in sea and one on shore,
To one thing constant never ..."

Cue angry scratching noise of music being abruptly disconnected.

Excuse me - men? Men?? As Exhibit A for the Defence of the Y Chromosome, may I introduce the most inconstant, deceitful, flirtatious little minx ever to stand with one foot in my lap and the other on my dinner plate. All 24 inches, 14 months and 4.5 teeth of her. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you my niece.

Her Aunt Elect, a.k.a. Best Beloved, got a brief cuddle. It was the shiny buttons on her coat that did it. Thereafter it was made quite clear that only adult men need apply. You select your target with a calculating eye cleverly disguised as an innocent blue eyed stare. You crawl over to him, pull yourself up on his leg, look winsome and cute ... and then someone else - your father, your uncle, your granddad - comes into the room and abruptly the previous male object of your affections is history. Off you go across the floor at 90 m.p.h, only occasionally crawling up inside your skirt, to the leg of his replacement and repeat the process. Then you beam coyly back at the man you have just deserted, as if to say "this is your competition - fight him for me!"

All that saves hearts from being broken is that she doesn't yet have the social and life skills to be subtle about it. But give her time.

'Men', the Bard says. Huh!