Comment spam

"I was very pleased to find this site.I wanted to thank you for this great read!! I definitely enjoying every little bit of it and I have you bookmarked to check out new stuff you post."

I shouldn't let it get to me but still I do. Comment spam. WHY??

Courtesy of "Oxygen Plant", the above little gem popped up suddenly in the comments on my recent Wytham Woods post, at the end of a brief exchange on the virtues of the late Robert Holdstock. It's not hard to spot the slightly bogus aura of the safely neutral praise, even for a conversation not about Robert Holdstock. And sure enough a quick Google search on the exact text produces a lot of results.

I have no intention of revealing where Oxygen Plant comes from - you can do your own Googling, if you like - but suffice it to say it really is from an oxygen plant: in fact, according to its site, "a Family owned professionally managed company incorporated in 1963 for manufacturing industrial gases."

So I say again, WHY??

Their chairman "is considered as the pioneer and founder of air separation plant manufacturing in India. All other Companies manufacturing similar products like oxygen plant are using Designs & Technology Pioneered by him."

But despite his obvious business and scientific acuity, he thinks the best way of drumming up business is to spam as many blogs as he can? Does anyone really think, well, I was going to hold fire on ordering that oxygen plant but now, goodness gracious me, I do believe I'll splash out?

Gaaaaaaah.

The nicest word that comes to mind is "lazy"

I suppose a peril of moving in primarily IT literate circles is that you forget how many illiterates there are out there: not necessarily in terms of grammar and the ability to construct coherent sentences (though to be honest, there is quite a close correlation) but just in terms of etiquette.

Fr'instance, a post two days ago on Terry Wogan and various domestic issues drew the following well-targeted comment, all entirely sic including the unclosed opening inverted commas:

"Hi:

Two things

1) I'd like your permission to (re)print your article on ‘Torchwood'for our website

2) I was hoping we could use your ‘scribing' talent for our website.

The Best Shows Youre Not Watching (dot) com [all one word]
‘Torchwood'one of our featured shows. We're hoping to round up a few people who can occasionally contribute perspective (via an article/blog) on the shows – maybe a recent episode, future direction, plot shortcomings etc.

What's in it for you?
Primarily a larger audience back channeled to your blog. We don't pay but the site has a lot of promise and we're pretty excited about getting it off the ground. Let me know what you think.

[I redact the URL because I've already given the name of their site and have no intention of making life too easy.]

Intriguing, because while I could swear I've mentioned Torchwood more than once, a search on the blog only uncovers one article, written nearly three years ago when the series began. Anyway. To save you looking it up, I devastatingly replied:

First, convince me you really are after my scribing talent as a result of a personal evaluation of my ability as evidenced on this blog, and that this isn't an automatic spam generated by a bot searching on the word "Torchwood".

Why might I suspect the latter case?

1. The only article I've written on Torchwood is nearly 3 years old.

2. There's a clearly visible link in the left hand column saying "contact Ben", and yet you drop a comment into a totally unrelated post. The nicest word that comes to mind is "lazy".

How you go about this convincing of me I leave up to you, but the clue is in point 2 above.

It's not just web spammers but any kind of direct marketing: the key word is clue, people. If you want people to take you seriously, show you have one. Honestly. Do you really, really think that this kind of so-obviously mass-produced, badly worded twaddle is going to convince us of anything, other than the fact that you so clearly haven't gone through our site in a search for exactly the right 'scribing' talent to suit your needs? Put another way: is it really an advert for your site that it's going to be 'scribed' by the kind of people who either write or respond to this kind of thing?

I thought I would test my theory that the commenter may not be 100% inspired by my personal brilliance. A quick search on key phrases of the comment shows:

• US TV critic Alan Sepinwall got exactly the same, in a post about American Idol and Ellen Degeneres. As a follow-up comment points out, he's apparently a high-profile critic in the US and doesn't exactly need the back-channelled larger audience.
  
• Journalist David Kirkpatrick in an article on nanotech. At least Mr Sepinwall has actually written articles on Torchwood. In Mr Kirkpatrick's case the requested article was about The Clone Wars. A quick search shows that Mr Kirkpatrick has previously written exactly two lines in different posts about the Clone Wars: on 7 January 2009, commenting on wii games: "Hell, the Clone Wars lightsaber game is downright tiring", and a link to the show's trailer.
• Finally, writer Kat Richardson got done with a comment that starts off about Medium but then segues for no apparent reason into The Clone Wars, again. A good 'scriber' is at least proficient with cut and paste and the ability to read their own spam.

And there are others, but I got bored.

Good grief, this is the kind of thing people were doing back when the web was young in the mid-nineties. I may even have done it myself, though I hope I didn't. Is a whole new generation that doesn't remember the mid-nineties now making the same mistake?

Spam almost right

Some spam is just weird. Like this, received today by both me and my colleague:

Hiya. Long time no speak.

It's Nan's 95th Birthday next month, any ideas on what to get her this year?

Love Sis

Current email was sent by an Evaluation License.
Note: This footer will be removed with Licensed SSL/TLS Version

Straight text, no URL to go to, no viruses attached, no request for personal data to let them into my bank account.

But. My sister would never sign herself Sis and anyway, Nan's 95th birthday was five years ago. Her hundredth was while I was in Montreal. So, I don't think I will pursue this any further.

Woo-hoo! She's back!

Yes, the Psychic Pspammer has returned.

Good day Ben,

I'm just got back from my errand and sat straight down to write to you [so the errand was more important? I'm hurt] and explain a little further everything I hinted at in my last email to you this morning [It wasn't this morning, it was last month]. In the following letter I have taken the time to communicate to you all of the valuable information concerning this period during which you will be under the maximum influence of the Moon and I will explain exactly why this period is so important and why you must get as much out of it as is possible. This is a vitally important Lunar Transit and you must pay special attention to the details I will go through below.

Apart from these details which my study of your configuration has revealed I also wanted to work on increasing your energy and chance with an magnetic psychic action using an authentic Lunar fragment which I am fortunate enough to posses. I think I mentioned this in my last email [nope] but this is a piece of the Moon, a meteorite which weighs 36 grams and which was discovered on the 11th of November in the Oman desert. I am going to ask you for all of your attention Ben for what comes next. This will only take you 5 minutes to read but the information I am about to give you could change your life forever. First of all here is what you can expect during this 6 month period which will start on the 27 July 2008:

- A fulfilling and satisfying evolution concerning your love life.
- A financial gain and I can see that this is most likely to be linked to a game or lottery. [That does my self esteem as a hardworking writer no end of good]
- A important and exciting development in your professional life.
- The chance to solve the issues which have been worrying you for some time now.
- An encounter which is sure to bring you great pleasure and a really positive development as far as your love life is concerned. [Is this as well as the fulfilling and satisfying evolution?]

I want things to be very clear between us Ben as I need you to understand that such an opportunity is a very rare chance which does not come along twice in one lifetime and this is why this chance to change your destiny must be seized with all of your passion and energy. So I want to tell you that my explication will focus on 3 main points:

1) I am first going to explain exactly why this period is going to be so important for you and any professional astrologer will be able to confirm my findings. [Heaven forbid I should trust a lousy amateur]
2) I have worked with a fragment of our Moon to send you positive energy to help you through the times ahead. I have included all the details of this work in an attachment on this email.
3) It will be very important that you prepare yourself correctly for this coming period so that you will be able to seize the vital opportunities which will be open to you.

So let me explain point number one a little further. From the 27 July 2008 the Moon will find itself in a rare and very influential position in relation to the position it held at the moment of your birth and this position will have a very direct and powerful impact on your personality Ben. This will be an important transit during which the Moon will be extremely influential. This influence will last at least 6 lunar cycles, in other words around 6 months as the Moon completes one cycle in 29 days, 12 hours and 44 minutes [Ah! Science!]. In a more general manner, the impact of the lunar influence can be seen all around us and in nature and in our immediate environment. Three quarters of our globe are covered in water and these oceans are in constant movement (tides) due to the attraction of the Moon. Tides are simply the movement of the ocean's waters in an opposite direction to the spin of the Earth and the influence of the Moon does not stop here. It's proximity to the Earth causes a ce rtain atmospheric 'friction' and slows down the spin of the Earth [astonishingly, more science] which effectively means that the Moon also increases the length of our days. The Moon also affects underground water sources, regular terrestrial movements, vibrations on the Earth's surface and also touches living creatures such as ourselves as we are in fact made up of 80% water! This particular lunar influence can also be called biological tides.

Do excuse me for having begun my explanation with such technical details (I will soon get back to what all this means for you) but I believe that it essential that you understand exactly why the Moon has such a powerful influence upon ourselves and our environment as this you will be feeling these same influences very strongly after the 27 July 2008 and for a duration of 6 months.

I am going to go over some more examples, just to show you how extensive the lunar influence actually is. First of all, plants need the Moon's pretense [so it's just leading them on?] to maintain their good health and full lifespan. We now know that plant's metabolism uses photosynthesis which is basically the transformation of light rays into combustible chemical energy and these light rays must correspond to a certain wavelength which fortunately enough the Sun [damn, we'd be stuck if they didn't, eh?] and the Moon's rays provide [Skirting round the fact that moonlight is just reflecterd sunlight ...]. Lunar rays can be considered as a source of powerful energy and these rays work as catalysts in various natural processes in all living organisms on this planet. Animals for example feel this energy very strongly and certain species live according to lunar cycles, for example regulating their mating or hunting rhythms to the frequency of the lunar cycle. Certain fish for example only mate during a very particular lunar phase (gibbous) during the month of October. On land, koala bears only eat during the waning cycle of the Moon and many many other examples can be found of routines based firmly on the lunar cycles. I am now going to move on to explain how these lunar cycles affect us as human beings and I must ask you to pay special attention to this part as you will be able to see through my explanation how important the lunar influence will be for you Ben, most particularly during this period of 6 months. The Moon acts upon us all and on many different levels. First of all it affects our birth as studies have proved that women's menstrual cycles follow the Moon's phases and the births of newborn babies fall in line with this period of fertility. Menstruation is the preparation of the female body for pregnancy and ovulation is made possible by the presence of a hormone called LH which is made available from the 4th day of the cycle and after receiving this hormonal signal the body transforms itself ready to receive the fertilized egg, the human embryo. When fertilization does not take pla ce menstruation serves to clean the body of the uterus' mucus. Many scientists have concentrated on investigating the role of the lunar cycle in menstruation and have remarked on the number of menstrual cycles which begin during a full or new Moon. Men's fertility also seems to follow these same lunar cycles as many more fertilization's take place at the rise of a new Moon than at any other time of the month. These cycles are also reflected in the ticking of our internal clocks, our day's seem to be timed much more in keeping with Lunar rather than Solar cycles.

One interesting scientific experiment consisted of placing a person under observation and in an underground shelter far from light and any means of measuring time. The scientists noticed that the subject quickly adopted a rhythm which was based entirely on a Lunar cycle. The Moon was seen to act directly upon us, it conditions our emotions, our feelings and our responses and on an astrological level the Moon serves as a catalyst, concentrating and strengthening the influence of the many other planets of our personal Zodiac. And this is exactly what will happen for you Ben and it for this reason that you will find yourself before a whole range of opportunities in many different areas of your life such as your sentiments, your romantic tendencies, your relationships, your finances and your professional life. For a full 6 months the Moon will act as a magnifying glass, focusing the energy of a number of different planets upon you and to give you more of an idea about this magni fying action try to imagine that the Moon will be a cosmic TV - the Moon will take the transmissions from all of the planets around us and will form clear images of these transmissions inside of us just as our home TV set does though its cathode-ray tube. The astrological role of the Moon is to transmit clear and comprehensive images of everything which is going on around us and a portion of this energy which the Moon transmits towards us is absorbed by our bodies though the receptors that we all have within our souls and is then transformed into actions and events that we provoke. Psychics and other such professionals can see these centers of receptors, which are known as Chakra points in Hindi philosophy. To be honest with you Ben, this is how I first discovered that this kind of period was on the way for you and it was the astrological study which I then worked on which confirmed my initial feelings and led me to write to you today. That is as much as I would like to tell you for now about the importance of the Moon, I think you have already understood how and why the Lunar cycle is important for you, how the Moon plays a daily role in our lives and exactly what it's influence consists of. I now need to move on and explain something else. [And, breathe, stretch your legs, take the chance for a toilet break. I'll say one thing for this lady - the effort she puts into this knocks the Nigerian spammers out of court.]

2) As I mentioned, I started to work on something special for you, a unique technique which is highly charged in positive energy and it will send you a great deal of power bearing in mind the period you are about to be entering. I am lucky enough to own a fragment of the Moon itself, this is a authentic lunar meteorite which fell into the Dhofar desert of Oman and was discovered on the 11th of November 2002. The original meteorite weighed 36g and the piece which I now own weighs 0.024g and I got hold of this fragment from a member of the International Meteorite Collectors Association and this person was also a founding member of the Kansas meteorite society. On the page which I have included with this email you can see a photograph of this meteorite and of the energizing action which I have been performing for you. You can also examine the chemical composition of this Moon fragment and read it's authenticity certificate.

I must insist on the fact that the work I have been undertaking for you is very unique. [Good. I disdain partial uniqueness.] I have made an effort to associate you both energetically and magnetically with this Lunar fragment in order to intensify this Lunar energy and as this action is extremely powerful I am going to continue to perform it for you during the whole of this period of 6 months, if you give me your consent. This energy will be very beneficial for you Ben and you can see a photo of my work at the following web page:

[URL redacted]

3) Here is now what you must do to prepare yourself to be in just the right place and at the right time to seize all of the very important chances which are going to be offered to you. You also need to be vigilant against certain exterior elements which could disturb you during your period of pure chance and I intend to give you all of the information you require to make sure that this 6 month period really will mark a major turning point in your life so far. I remind you that even though this period will be marked by a range of opportunities, three principal events will be extremely important and will allow you to achieve a greater harmony in your personal life. One event will boost your love life, one will bring you a considerable sum of money at a time when you least expect it and the final event will provoke some important developments in your professional life. If you are able to seize these opportunities and are able to act correctly during these 3 distinct events you w ill be able to get rid of that one big problem which has been worrying you for quite a while now. I also want to tell you that this 6 month period will lead you to an important encounter and this encounter will bring you some radical changes in your personal life. This is how the 6 month period looks in a very general way Ben and before going on any further I want to explain to you how you can act to seize these opportunities. You must not delude yourself, your direct involvement is needed to get the most out of this period, chance will not simply knock on your door and throw itself at your feet. I can see your involvement on 4 main levels:

a) The first thing which we must work on together is to protect you from any negative elements which could affect you during both the run up to this period and throughout the 6 months. These exterior influences could stop you from benefiting 100% from this period and so we also need to boost your chance ratings so that you can enjoy these diverse opportunities. As you already know I have begun certain important tasks for you, I realized that your capital chance was at an all time low so I started to send you positive energy to help you stabilize this chance and I think that this energy has worked well for you already. Your Chakra points are now open and receptive and you are ready to receive the strong Lunar energy which will begin in just a short time. Things are going to get serious Ben as this period will represent the turning point you have been searching for in your life and so I am going to have to go even further and work on an energy emission [Bonusbarn does this a lot, usually after a meal] of a much greater scale in order to protect you correctly. I offer to start this energy 'prayer' for you 15 days before the period begins, from the 15 August 2008. I will work hard for you during these 15 days before your 6 month period begins on the 27 July 2008 until your capital chance is at a maximum and you are able to protect yourself from exterior tensions. You will also find yourself much more receptive to the chances and opportunities of this lunar period.

b) The second thing which you must develop is your personal capacity. As I think I have already mentioned to you, you have a great deal of powerful resources within you and these talents are just waiting to be expressed. Your enormous potential is stifled and has been for quite a number of years now. I am going to help you release this potential as you will need all of this power to get the best out of all the opportunities which will be open to you during this 6 month period, which will begin in just 78 days time - from the 27 July 2008 until the 27 January 2009. This is why we must act as quickly as possible to bring out this strength within you so that you may learn to use it, the importance lies not with which talent you will reveal but more in how you can learn to apply this new skill to the chances the Lunar transit will bring you. You need to balance the energy within you and find a certain interior harmony. You may be thinking that you already know yourself well enoug h but you must believe me when I say that my work as an astrologer has revealed a whole host of valuable information about you, important information which you could not have previously suspected. My role will be to show you this hidden potential, to help you bring it out to light and to teach you how to use your skills. I will produce a full personal reading for you will show you how can exploit all of your potential and how you can achieve your goals and make yourself more serene, powerful, determined and assertive. You will also be able to discover how other people around you perceive you to be.

c) You must be ready for the 27 July 2008, in the same way that an athlete prepares for a marathon. The date is coming up Ben and you need these few weeks of preparation to be at your peak. We cannot lose a single minute. I want to produce a full day-by-day guide for you for the whole of the period leading up to the Lunar Transit so that you know exactly how to act and when to act to prepare yourself correctly for this crucial period of chance. I will guide you day-by-day and I will give you all of the astrological forecasts you will need to act decisively on everyday leading up to this all-important date. This will also give you an important rhythm and will train you to follow daily forecasts. You will discover in this reading all of the information concerning the few precise choices you must make during this prelude to the Transit, there a number of things you MUST do before this astrological event.

d) Finally you must be aware of exactly what is in store for you and what exactly these opportunities are that lie ahead for you. You need to know quite simply when and where you will come across these opportunities. Knowing when to act decisively the key, armed with this knowledge you will have no difficulties seizing these chances. You will also need to know how you may avoid certain traps and pitfalls and the energizing work I have been performing for you will help you in this regard as I will do my best to protect you from exterior elements which may aim to disrupt your path in this new life the Transit proposes. You need to start studying a full report concerning this time as soon as possible. The Lunar Transit will be powerful, unusually intense and it will offer you a rare opportunity to make certain decisions on many different levels of your personal and professional life which will change your life dramatically for the future. I intend to give you all of the informat ion and support that you need.

This is going to be such an important Transit for you that you cannot permit yourself to miss out on this golden chance and you cannot simply sit by passively and let events pass you by. You must act! Up to today I have always left you free choice, you were able to choose whether or not to make the most of my professional advice but today Ben I must push you a little further. I think it would be such a shame for you to miss out on such a prime opportunity to change your life for the better. As you may have seen my preparation for your full reading, with the additional energizing work I have already been performing for you, takes a great deal of time and effort but I am ready to invest myself for you as I do feel a great affinity with you and I know just how important this Transit will be for you.

However I have to be sure of one thing Ben, I need to know whether or not you are really committed to changing your life and that you are ready to work towards seizing and using all of this period's valuable opportunities to your total advantage. I also need to know that you will use the information I provide you with, a lot of people ask me for help and despite this it would be a great pleasure for me to dedicate my time and concentration to you and to give you a full personal reading. If you use this information and you make the changes which I think you know you need to make in your life right now then my work will be complete and my effort entirely justified. Before beginning this work in this case I need you to give me your consent on the following web page:

[URL redacted]

I will be eagerly waiting for your response, please do not hesitate because the countdown to the Lunar Transit has begun.

Your friend and astrologer,
Jenna

If, however you no longer wish to receive any messages from me, please let me know at : [URL redacted again] [And miss out on all the fun? You must be joking!]

When principles clash

After reading the following, call me a heartless bastard only if:

• you have never heard of Madeleine McCann
• you go to Google Images and are unable to retrieve an image of her in less than five seconds.

Now, if a child of mine went missing, there's not a mountain I wouldn't move to get her back. If a nephew or niece went missing I'm pretty certain I could say the same. And so it's very hard to condemn Madeleine McCann's uncle for organising what is essentially a global spam to try and find her.

Hold that thought.

I enjoy a reasonably spam free existence which I put down to careful use of my email address online and my ISP's very good filters. However I also have another email address used for my freelance work as editor of the club magazine for what I shall call the Dotty Enthusiasts Club of Great Britain. A few days ago the Madeleine email was sent to this editorial address. Since then I've had three or four of the obnoxious "do better in bed"-type spams every day.

Why do I not think this is a coincidence?

Because the email urges recipients to pass itself on to everyone in their address list. I say I received the spam; in fact I received an email containing an embedded email containing an embedded email containing the message in the form of a PDF. The sender of the version that reached me, according to her automated sig, is PA at an oil firm, so really should have grasped the hang of basic email hygiene. Add all those emails together and you have a few hundred addresses, displayed for all to see, including my Dotty Enthusiast editorial address. A spammer's gold mine, in other words.

I've ranted before about people who thoughtlessly forward emails, and I made myself a hostage to fortune with the following words: "I do not forward circular emails, warnings, prayers, or any other of that ilk. Ever. No exceptions."

Perhaps I should have added: "... because, even if the intent is good, I believe that the irritation, the inconvenience and the tacit encouragement of bad practice outweighs any good that the spam might do."

Faced with my first ever spam that is for a genuinely good cause, my resolve wavered. A little. I left it in the inbox while I cogitated. And then I deleted it anyway.

I don't believe I can help find Madeleine McCann. I do not let this blind me to the good, albeit on a much smaller scale, that I can do in other areas. A world with no lost children but plenty of spammers will be a much nicer place than a world with no spammers but the occasional lost child. The two evils aren't remotely comparable; but, it's fighting the lesser one where I can make the greater contribution.

Psychic pspam

I can't remember ever enjoying a spam so much as this one, though it's also one more reason not to put your date of birth, email or indeed name anywhere online.

What is a little eerie is that she has my work email. I'm pretty sure that has never appeared with my date of birth anywhere on the web. Ah well.

Anyway, I was going to paste this in verbatim, but couldn't resist adding the occasional pensée of my own in square brackets. Everything else is sic.

Dear Ben,

I've actually got something a little unusual to tell you about and I am sure that you will find what I have to say very interesting indeed. What I came accross first started out as a rather strange coincidence. I was working a reading for another person which I am helping at the moment and I suddenly started thinking about you very strongly and I wondered why. I then became very excited as I noticed that this person shared certain startling similarities with you Ben. This person was also male, born Aquarius and was around about the same age as you. The similarity between your personalities was the most striking however as this person also had huge untouched sources of inner potential which were completely unused and was also struggling with a number of obstacles which prevented certain important opportunities to be fully exploited. In fact now I think about it, this person was born on the same day as you the 14 February 1965 [good grief!] but just a year before on the 14 February 1964 [so in other words not the same day at all]. Fac ed with such a host of strange coincidences I wanted to check whether or not this was in fact your astral twin (we each have an astral twin [but not a hand twin?] and it is always very interesting to discover this other person as we normally share very similar destinies, often with only a few years of difference).

I did check a little further and unfortunately this person was not your astral twin [poot!] but as I was studying your configuration I came across some very interesting information which could be even more important than your astral twin and I am writing to you today to tell you about this discovery.

In fact this person who came to consult me just a few days ago asked me to study their Karma and to help them regress into their Past Lives. This may seem unusual to you but I was asked for help as this person often had the bizarre impression to already know a place when it was in fact completely new to them or to seem know someone when meeting them only for the first time [it's called cyberstalking]. By investigating this deja-vu and Karma and by regressing into past lives we made some startling discoveries. We were able to make some good advances together and we were able to understand more about this person's capacities and why certain problems kept cropping up. We were able to find some good solid solutions to this person's pre-occupations.

You must be asking yourself what this all has to do with you Ben and I will now explain this to you. There are significant coincidences which exist between this person and yourself and I quickly came to realize that although you two were not at all astral twins it was also vital to produce the same kind of reading for you. I then began working on this regression for you Ben. I wanted to help you and satisfy my own curiosity about the great destiny I began to suspect that you had in store for you. I made a startling discovery....

It is clear to me that you have been living through the same series of problems throughout all of your past lives. This is in fact damaging to you as it stops you from liberating yourself completely from a few of the problems which have been haunting you for some time now in this lifetime and which you really want to get rid of. I had to write to you straight away as you have already told me that you want to get out of this vicious circle. I know that you have lived through some fairly traumatic events in a number of your Past Lives [I died in each one of them] and that you now have a difficulty bringing out all of your talents. These difficulties [a difficulty or difficulties? Be consistent, woman. Your researches should have at least told you you're talking to an editor] are indirectly linked to certain events in your past (events which took place hundreds of years ago) and their roots are deeply set in your unconsciousness. I have come to realize today is that it is possible to free you from these constraints and to liberate you from this past trauma and to help you lead the life you truly deserve to live. You will finally be able to be serene and in harmony with yourself.

I also know that for you to accomplish this Ben it is important to come to terms with the concept of past lives so let me now tell you just a few things about past lives in general before going on to explain how you can use this technique to liberate yourself from the problems which have been ruining your life for such a long time now.

Far too often we blindly believe in what we have been taught without using our own faculties to examine the world around us and to come to our own conclusions. The concept of reincarnation and of Karma has existed since the dawn of time and it forms the foundation of a number of the great religions of the East: Hinduism, Buddhism, Jainism, Sikhism and Zoroastrianism. Japanese esoteric Dadaism [Dadaism? I do not think it means what you think it means], Tibetan traditions and other disciplines of South-East Asia also make use of these ideas. In ancient Greece, the main scientific and philosophical schools accepted the principal of past lives, notably the Pythagoreans, Aristotelians and the Platonists. Ancient jewish groups such as the Hessians, the Pharsians and the Caraites include the notion of past lives in their teachings and these branches of jewish faith form the basis of modern day Christianity. The Gnostics, the Kabbalistes, Amerindians, pre-columbine cultures [i.e. cultures existing before the high school shootings?], Polynesian Shamans, Celtic Druids and the wise men of African, Peru vian, Columbian and Brazilian cultures also share this faith as do many modern schools of thought such as the Theosophies and the Anthroposohes.

I have used past life regression techniques for many years now as these are fantastically efficient techniques and are capable of plunging the client deep into the subconscious to do a little 'spring-cleaning'! Unfortunately in the West science has rejected spirituality as an irrational dream even though in antiquity the Greek, Egyptian, Mayan and Incan societies spent a great deal of time researching the psychic nodes of the past and therapeutic techniques developed to dissolve these nodes became a part of everyday life. [The Mayans and Incans also spent a great deal of time sacrificing each other so this is not a recommendation.] However it must be said that through the work of quantum physics a certain notion of reincarnation has been re-introduced over the past few years. [As in, you don't know if you've reincarnated until you open the box and see?] Today many experiments have sought to prove re-incarnation and these experiments have been greatly supported by the reports of spontaneous past life regressions which have occurred to people in various states of altered consciousness. These regressions occur whether or not the individual previously 'believed' in past lives. In a number of these cases, the regression can be objectively assessed. I have battled for a long time now against the commonly held belief that the past is just the past and that is has zero impact on the present. The many seances I have performed and the research I have undertaken into regression and past lives have shown me exactly how I can help my patients to explore their past lives and then solve the problems and dilemmas of the present. This exploration is also therapeutic as my patients are able to throw off the weight of the traumatic events they have lived through in the past and discover the power and beauty of hidden talents. A few months ago for example I performed a past live regression for a 12 year old boy and I discovered that he had an innate skill for music which came from a life he had lived through 130 years previously as a musician in Italy. The boy himself had never taken up music, either through a lack of time or simply because the opport unity to do so had never came up. I advised his parents to enroll him in music classes, which they did, and the boy naturally chose the violin. His teacher was amazed by the speed at which this boy acquired his new musical skill and he is now generally regarded as a young genius with an unsettling musical ability. Despite the short time he has been learning the violin he gives the impression that he has been playing for years and years, which is indirectly true!

But lets get back to you Ben, after this brief technical digression. As I have already told you it would be good to work on your past lives. A regression would be very revealing. I don't want to begin this regression without your full consent but I must admit that I have already start to look a little bit further and I can tell you now that I have come across a great deal of information which will be extremely useful for understanding exactly what kind of person you are today. I have also come to realize that a complete past life regression will allow you to come to terms with the concern which you have at this time. This regression will help you to avoid re-living certain of the trauma you have experienced in the past and which stem from an unresolved interior conflict which began in one of your past lives. Above all this regression will serve as an efficient tool, armed with the personal knowledge which this regression will bring you will understand yourself even better, yo u will find answers to all the questions you ask yourself about your personality, your relationships with other people and you will reveal hidden talents which you acquired during past lives.

You will then understand your aim in life and where exactly your destiny is taking you and you will find out what your objectives and challenges should be and which lessons you should work on to satisfy the thirst of your soul. This regression is probably the most useful tool you can get hold of to discover exactly what your goals are in life and where the direction of your life is going to take you. You will be beginning a fascinating voyage in time and space and you marvel at your previous lives, how you lived these lives, where and who with. You will discover who you have been before and why you have chosen to be yourself Ben in this lifetime when you re-entered the world on the 14 February 1965.

I will not, as I have just said, begin this past life regression without your permission as there is, I must admit, a very heavy workload. I just need your consent and I will then start dealing with the rest. I will work on your regression and I will send you the results of this work in a full personal reading. You can request your past life regression on the following page:

[[which I have no intention of telling you]]

Your friend,
Jenna [she chose a strange career path after Blake's 7]

Strangely, following the link takes you to another of those slightly stilted mail mergy personalised pages addressed to me Ben, and a form for me to fill in for my ($30) chart. Fill in? Come on, lady, you already have my name, address and date of birth. Put in a little effort here.

Spam: a new variant

A cunning reversal of the usual tropes here. All entirely sic.

Greetings.I feel quite safe dealing with you in this important
business.

Though,I choose to reach you through Internet because it still remains the fastest medium of communication.

However,this correspondence is unofficial and private,and it should be treated as such.I am Mr XXX,a United Kingdom Government Auditor and I work in the International operation department in a Bank here in UK. My purpose of contacting you is that I am looking for a Reliable partner in a foreign country to place as the next of kin to a dormant account that have not been operated for years in my bank with a total sum of 39,000,000.00 Pounds and on further discreet investigation I also discovered that the account holder has long since passed on (dead) leaving no beneficiary to the account.I contacted you because you are a foreigner and I will provide to you the necessary claim documents the bank will require from you in other to claim this fund including the details nformation of the account in my next mail.

I will inform you on what to do if you are going to assure me that you will not betray me and my family with this fund in your possession so as to enable me to start the paper work immediately without further delay.I have a family of four,My wife claudia and hailey,brooke. Keep this business within your self for security and safe reasons.Thanks as I'm in anticipation of your favourable response.

Have a pleasant day.

Sincerely,

Mr.XXX.

So, he's actually a Brit wanting to get money out of the country? That makes it all so much more believable.

Especially as the standard of English compares quite favourably to some official communications I've had.

If you're going to spam, get your sums right

See if you can look past the gender-reversing Cinderella sob story and spot the fatal flaw in the following just received. Paragraph breaks and grammar are sic, snips and bold emphasis are mine.

"I am XXX son of late Mr.YYY a licensed solid mineral (gold, diamond, etc) exporter before he passed away. Before his death my father, apparently, married a woman who became my stepmother because my mother died when we was very young. our stepmother already had two daughters of about my sister age, and they came with her to live in our Father's house. I discovered that there was some ill-feeling from our stepmother towards me and my sisther giselle, since then we have been badly treated; being forced

to undertake work befitting only a servant, in our father's own house. [snip] our father before passing away informed me privately that he had an account valued $235,000 usd which he intend to transfer into his foreign associate's account for investment abroad on my behalf, this money he acquired from the export contract he secured and executed under the umbrella of the government.

[snip]

So please we want to know you better.we are willing to offer you $235,000 for your assistance after the successful transfer of this money for investment; I have plans to do investment in your country, like real estate, industrial production or any other lucrative investment you bring to ourr notice in your country."