Open letter to Abingdon Town Council

Dear Morons,

I suppose I should be grateful to you. Three reasons come reluctantly to mind.

1. Saturday is a day traditionally associated with lie-ins. Who knows how many man hours are frittered away by people snatching an extra couple of hours in bed at the end of a long week? Your inspired decision to commence road works with a pneumatic drill outside my house at 6.20 this morning will have led to a wave of increased productivity all along this road.
2. I have occasionally harboured the fantasy that I might be in some way psychically gifted. You know - able to send messages telepathically, move objects with my mind, that sort of thing. If this were true then the grieving widows of your work crew would now be having to identify their loved ones from the piles of ashes and occasional item of personal jewellery in the mortuary. You would also be having to explain to your insurers how the expensive equipment used has suddenly been reduced into piles of molten slag. So, clearly I am not a psychic - or at least not at a sufficiently advanced meta-operant level - and I thank you for clearing up any confusion.
3. The sensation of heart failure when I couldn't access my email, and thought you might have severed the cable, was equivalent to several hours of hard cardiovascular workout in the gym. Thankfully it seems to be the server's fault, not yours, since as you can see my web access is fine.

So all in all, hats off to you boys, and keep up the good work.

Insincerely,
Ben