Argh! They got me!

So unfair. I was going to church. To church! To Holiday Club! But I was running a bit late and driving a bit too fast ... and I did 35mph in a 30mph zone and they got me. Ping.

To, I might add, the Boy’s utter delight. ‘That’s the difference between life and death, Ben,’ he intoned, arms folded and face as straight as a laser beam.

But, anything from 31-35mph is the discretionary zone for being offered attendance at a Speed Awareness Workshop, instead of a fine and penalty points. It’s £75 as opposed to the £65 fine, but it’s points free. Not really a deep philosophical conundrum.

Bicester, they said. Upper Heyford, they meant. Self and 22 other crimos (including one policeman ...) drive through some really quite thick morning fog to turn up at a dilapidated RAF base, where the security guy at the main gate ironically whistles the theme from Z Cars as he lets you through. The course is run by DriveTech, who do this kind of thing for companies as well as the Thames Valley Police. Apparently over 70,000 people do this course per year, and you can’t do it voluntarily – you have to be referred by the police. That’s a lot of £75s.

The first 45 minutes is you and the computer doing a questionnaire to evaluate you as a driver. You’re asked questions about your habits, number of hours you drive etc and shown video clips where you indicate your notion of a safe speed, how close behind another car you would follow it, and potential hazards. I can report as a result of this that I’m exactly Average for ‘Speed Choice’, ‘Following Choice’ and ‘Hazard Perception’. Under ‘Attention/Distraction’, I am Slightly Distracted. Under ‘Emotion’, I am Slightly Lower than Average: ‘your responses do not reflect a strong tendency to use driving as an emotional outlet’ (I’m guessing this is good) but also ‘your responses do not indicate a high level of emotional stability’. Excuse me?? I am too emotionally stable, and anyone who says otherwise I will gladly chuck headfirst through the nearest window.

Best bit on the report: ‘You report that you have not fallen asleep at the wheel in the last 2 years. Great.’ As if (a) this was something I’ve been battling against for the 24 years I’ve been driving and (b) it’s something to congratulate a guy about.

After coffee break comes a longer (90min) presentation where stuff starts to dawn. Officially this was the Speed Awareness Scheme Urban Workshop – or SAS Urban Workshop on the invoice, which makes it sound a lot more exciting and very different. Most collisions and fatalities happen in low-speed urban areas – you’re more likely to die if you’re a pedestrian hit by a 40mph car than if you’re tailgated at 70mph by some moron on the M40. So that’s the area they concentrate on. We saw videos of the differences in stopping distances between 30, 35 and 40mph. We went through the stages of an actual real-life car crash, with pictures, though fortunately taken after the bodies were removed. ‘If he’d been doing 30 he’d have stopped here. To stop here he must have been doing at least 39 ...’ The car stopped considerably further down the road than the impact point, and the guy he hit landed even further than that.

Hmm.

I’d expected it to be twee and self-righteous – it isn’t. Did it make a difference apart from keeping my licence clean? One of the deliverables, according to our instructions, is an improved attitude. To be honest I don’t think my attitude has improved because I think it was pretty good to start with. I’m not a boy racer, I stick to the limits ... though clearly not all the time. Awareness is another matter. On the motorway, 5mph here or there probably isn’t going to make much difference. Your car will still be totalled and possibly you with it. But on the local roads it really does.

So, will try not to do it again, guv, honest.