Snail's pace

Two minutes away from work this morning, I discovered I had a passenger.

This little guy probably spent all night tackling the big metal cliff in the back yard. Why? his friends asked. Because it's there! he answered. Just think of the challenges he had to face. It's not a straight ride up. The wheel arches would have presented colossal overhangs. And this is his reward. He finally makes it to the top, or at least base camp 1 on the bonnet from which he can contemplate the ascent to the summit on the roof ... and the cliff top starts moving. Bugger. Twenty minutes later he's seven miles away from home and all that he loves.

Assuming an average speed of an inch a minute, that will be 443520 minutes for him to get home under his own steam, or 7392 hours, or 308 days, not counting time taken to eat and sleep. I don't know what the average lifespan of a snail is, but I'm guessing odds are against him making it. I think the best bet is for his family to have him declared legally dead so that both they and he can start over in their new lives.

He didn't have a very comfortable ride because he insisted on staying side-on to the wind. He retreated into his shell but the shell itself was bending to windward (i.e. sideways from his perspective). If he had turned into the wind it would probably have offered less resistance, but evolution hasn't really equipped snails with an innate knowledge of streamlining. Who knew?

Q: what did the slug say to the snail?
A: Big Issue, sir?